Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government.





A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.









It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Michael Jacksons death is so tragic -

- he touched so many children in so many special ways.

Michael Jackson did manage to whisper a brief message to paramedics on his way to the hospital… “put me on the children’s ward”

There are unconfirmed reports of people hearing Thriller playing backwards from the morgue - Apparently he’s de-composing.

Coroners office just released a statement saying that they are going to melt down Michael’s body and turn him into plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change.

When Farah arrived at the pearly gates God granted her 1 wish. Farah thought for a minute and said “I wish for the children to be safe”. God paused, smiled and then told her… “The children are safe… i just killed Michael Jackson”

Early reports are that the hospital does not know what to do with the body, as plastic recycling is not collected until next Thursday.

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital the maternity ward was immediately put on lockdown.

Like Michael Jackson always said. “Live fast, die young, leave a vaguely Vietnamese looking woman’s corpse”

MJ’s cardiac arrest was brought about when he found out that Boyz 2 Men were a boy band and not a delivery service.

The End

For a dear little girl,
Oh, she's no girl, but a witch
Always begging for mercy
Damned dumb stupid bitch.
She's tried every trick in the book,
"Oh cruel world!" is her trademark lure
I'll say it's cruel-
How did I get a Bitch like her?
She won't go away
Won't leave me alone,
God, what did I do wrong?????
Will I always be bitch prone?
Go to hell little child,
Soon, time's flyin' by.
I can't wait
Until in your coffin you lie.
Course it won't be the first time you've lied,
To anyone besides me.
Too many lies, too much confusion,
Without you, I'm free.

12 Signs You're Falling In Love

1. You can’t stay mad at him/her for more than a few minutes and actually
   have to try hard to stay mad.



2. You walk really slow when you’re with him/her.



3. You feel shy or nervous when you’re with him/her.



4. When you think about him/her your heart beats faster.



5. Listening to his/her voice you smile for no reason.



6. When looking at him/her you don’t see the other people around you, you only see him/her.



7. You start listening to slow songs.



8. He/She becomes all you think about.



9. You get high just by his/her smell.



10. You realize that you’re always smiling when you think about him/her.



11. You would do anything for him/her.



12. While reading this there was one person on your mind the entire time.

48 Reasons Why Young Women Should Date Older Men

1. He knows a lot of useless stuff and makes a great partner in games like Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit and Balderdash.



2. He’s well-read. He can explain a book’s plot and storyline to you quickly and succinctly, thereby saving you the time it would take to actually read the book. It’s like having your own personal set of Cliff Notes.



3. This gives you more free time to spend his money at malls, outlet stores, and online.



4. He knows a lot about music. He can name the band that Paul McCartney played with prior to Wings.



5. You can borrow his Grecian Formula to patch any bleached sun spots in your hair.



6. The big bedroom and/or guest rooms in his house means no rent for you and eventually your friends/relatives can move in too.



7. He’ll provide better, more intelligent and engrossing conversations. How long can you talk about trucks, extreme sports and partying anyway?



8. If you sprain your ankle, you can use his cane.



9. He qualifies for early bird senior discounts at restaurants.



10. He’ll actually dance with you at night clubs. He’ll be the hit of the party when he pulls out his “Funky Chicken.”



11. He’ll open doors and pull out chairs for you.



12. If he gets too chatty, you can hide his teeth.



13. Qualifies for AARP membership privileges.



14. You can throw away all of your coupons for McDonalds, Der Wienerschnitzel and Panda Express since you have no use for them. Start to brush up on your dining etiquette and prepare yourself for eating at restaurants such as Houston’s, P.F. Chang, and Morton’s.



15. He’ll give you flowers, candy and best of all - cold, hard cash!



16. He’s into holding hands and other Public Displays of Affection (PDA's) as opposed to today’s “no contact” rules associated with dating in 2009.



17. You won’t need to pay for AAA roadside service because he’ll pick you up whenever your car breaks down.



18. He’ll effectively replace your dad for when pops isn't around. Celebrate Father’s Day twice!



19. Will treat 100% of the time. Young guys don’t have cash, credit cards, or in many cases, wallets.



20. No random late-night booty calls, because he goes to bed at 10 pm every night.



21. He won’t try to change you.



22. He can help you with your homework.



23. He’s very experienced in bed. If you like it or want to try it, he’s been there, done that! And more than once.



24. He won’t pretend to listen to you just so he can get in your pants.



25. Kiss goodbye to Motel 6, Budget Inn, and Super 8 when you travel. Say hello to the Hyatt, the Hilton, and the Westin.



26. He has a future, even though it might be a limited one.



27. You’ll never have to pay for car maintenance. A lifetime of free tune-ups, oil changes, tire rotations and windshield wiper replacements awaits you.



28. Dating him will shock your folks. They may even throw lots of money at you to stop dating him.



29. He has some serious pension/social security money coming to him down the line.



30. He’s not sleeping on mommy’s couch or living with his parents.



31. You don’t have to worry about him looking at other women. His vision is probably so shot he can’t see them.



32. He’s articulate and knows multi-syllabic words. Improve your vocabulary.



33. Sex with caring.



34. He dresses better. Won’t show up in his one pair of ratty jeans all the time. Means you can get into nice restaurants/clubs.



35. He doesn't have any drug baggage. He may have smoked pot in the ’60’s and ’70’s; or did coke in the ’80’s and ’90’s, but chances are he’s clean now. Otherwise he’d probably be dead.



36. He’s entitled to all kind of discounts including senior bus fares and matinee discounts. This means more cash left over for you.



37. He’ll wait at least two weeks before he expects it.



38. You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant. His sperm cells are so old, they’re swimming backstroke.



39. He’s an attentive lover and won’t forget your name or order pizza immediately after he has an orgasm.



40. He won’t argue with you over little, meaningless things. He’s basically numb.



41. He won’t ask you a bunch of personal, prying questions, like “What’s your name?”



42. He won’t run away. At least not very far. Or very fast.



43. You can talk politics with him, something you can’t do with younger men. He knows that Colin Powell isn't a medical condition.



44. He’ll memorize your phone number, which comes in handy if you get too drunk and forget it.



45. He’ll turn you on to old-school chick flicks like The Graduate, Love Story and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.



46. He won’t be text messaging you all the time. He doesn't know how!



47. He’ll take you on incredible vacations, unlike young guys. No more Vegas, Palm Springs and Tijuana during Spring Break. Say hello to cruises to Europe and Australia, ski trips to Aspen and Telluride and African safaris.



48. He won’t be jealous of your vibrator. He’s realistic!

Support Our Troops

If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops,
Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

The Fly

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...
if I go down four inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh." he thought,
"if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
and that hunter shoots that bear...
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...
then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down four inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.

Light & Fit

TV commercial again.

I’d love to meet this chick:

Watch the end of her commercial:

Light & Fit Commercial

Theory on Women

1. Pay Dues and No Membership

   Women know that Nice-guys stay alert to help any woman in need. Nice-guys are delusional if they think that by helping any woman with what ever she needs that she will see him as “good boyfriend material.” This extends all the way from letting her pull into traffic in front of you (when she’s a stranger) to helping her move to a different apartment (when you're her best friend). When in reality, all she really sees you as is a tool that anyone can just use because they have little respect for you - so why should she be any different. You will “be there for her” like a best friend and that’s the way she will treat you. She might even say: "You're such a doll for doing this for me.." Which translates to: You are a like a stuffed animal toy that she hugs when she feels lonely or needs to cry.. When something more interesting or exciting comes around, she quickly loses interest and puts you back on the shelf until next time she needs you. You will keep paying the emotional, physical, and mental dues, and receive no boyfriend membership and benefits for your efforts.

   The next time a girl calls and asks for a favor, ask yourself:
   
   W.W.J.D.: "What would a Jerk do?"
   No, not to be confused with the W.W.J.D.: "What would Jesus do?"
   
   Remember, Jesus was the ultimate Nice-guy and the people nailed him to a cross. -Ouch! This proves that even 2,000 years ago it was painful to be a Nice-guy.
   
   I think it's less painful to be a Jerk!
   
   

2. Play 20 Questions

   This is a classical first date test. You think everything is going great on the date because the conversation keeps going. The only reason the conversation keeps going is because she is playing 20 questions with you. She is asking you everything from your favorite color to your mother's maiden name. You willingly tell her EVERYTHING and think: "Wow, I've got such a great rapport with this woman; she's really interested in me because she keeps asking me questions."
   
   The problem is that she needs mystery in the relationship. If you tell her everything about yourself on the 1st date, don't wonder why you're not getting a second one. Whether she is asking these questions because she is testing you to see how much you will reveal about yourself (or genuinely interested in asking), you need to give short answers and get out of this mode as quickly as possible in order to save yourself and the potential future dates.
   
   The more you are on "Play" (re-playing your old "fun" memories for her and making your conversation sound like a documentary about yourself) instead of "Record" (recording the fun intensity of the moment you are in now by doing spontaneous and adventurous things) the faster the relationship will crash and burn before it even gets off the ground. Nice-guys think if they tell her about all the fun they had in the past, he will appear to be a good prospect of fun in the future. Do you think she wants to come over on the 1st or second date and watch home movies of you and all your fun in the past? Or do you think she wants you to create some fun memories with her so you both can play them in your minds for years to come? I'm here to tell you that women think just like the warning found on a mutual fund ad: "Past performance is no guarantee of future performance."
   
   She knows the only way she will be attracted to you as a fun, spontaneous, unpredictable, adventurous guy is to see if you act that way around her now, not just in your past around other people.
   
   

3. The Acid Test Question: (this one is so important and relationship changing that it had to have its own number):
   
   When all is going right in a relationship and you're wondering if the woman is going to have sex with you - beware! She might try and throw a monkey wrench in the works by asking you one tiny little relationship altering, destiny changing question. She will say something along the lines of:
   "Have you ever fantasized about us together?";
   "Do you think you'd ever do it with me?";
   "Do you ever think about having sex with me?" or
   "Have you ever thought about us making love?"
   Most guys think this is an easy question which will take them one step closer to having sex with her. They quickly answer with a confident "yes" and think that this all too easy.
   
   The problem is that when she knows that she can have you, before she has had you, the chances of you having sex with her went from 90% down to 10% in a heartbeat. So therefore, realize that you will be giving yourself such an incredible and instant, social setback that you should answer ANYTHING but yes!
   
   By the way, don't answer no either. If you do, she will think that you are lying or that you are gay (or both). The 10% chance (you had by answering yes) looks really good now! She knows that if you are giving her any amount of attention (like going on a date) that you are sexually interested in her. If you weren't sexually interested in her you would have skimmed right past her like that minimum wage job in the help wanted section.
   
   With that in mind, the next time you're asked if you thought about the two of you having sex before it actually happens, try answering with something smart ass and cocky like:
   "Well that's for me to know and you to find out..";
   "Who every said you could afford me?";
   "Well, you've got good potential, but you might have to do a better job on selling me on it."; or
   "Yeah, I dreamed about it and in the dream you couldn't keep up, so you better do something to increase your endurance before we even try to have sex. Maybe take a few aerobic classes or something.."
   
   What you are letting her know is that you are not hungry. You are also communicating to her that she can't afford you and you've had better than her. You're presenting yourself as being expensive and it's going to take more on her part if she wants your attention. You're showing her that you are not an easy sell or an easy kill. You're demonstrating to her that you're comfortable enough, confident enough and experienced enough around women to be playful in a fun teasing way.
   
   This teasing is what makes the sexual intensity skyrocket because you are holding her back from getting the instant gratification she so desperately craves. Make sure she gets her instant gratification from shopping and Nice-guys, not from you.
   

4. Reverse Passion Play:
   
   This is where the woman tries to tell you how busy she is with her life. She has her career, possibly graduate school with homework, her friends, her family, her cats and on and on. She takes what I said about: .Making yourself a Challenge. and uses it against you. She tries to sell you on the idea that her life is so busy with her passions, hobbies, interests and commitments that the only chance you have of being around her is to just get in line behind EVERYTHING else. If you find a woman who does this or at least presents herself this way, it is either a social smoke screen to see if you are intimidated by her strong feminine life or bunch of crap and lies (or both). If the right guy came around and created feelings of attraction in her, she would leave all of the passions, hobbies, interests and commitments in order to try to be first in your line rather than warning you that you have to be in the back of the line in her life. This is where the Jerk can get almost any woman to miss meetings at work, cancel out on her friends and lie to her family in order to get another taste of what she knows she can't have(him) and satisfy her uncontrollable, unstoppable, biological urge and addiction to be with him.
   

5. Sorry, Members Only:
   
   I've come to the conclusion that your sex life with any woman is indirectly proportional to the relationship she has with her parents. In other words, the better the relationship she has with her parents, the worse the quality and quantity of your sex life is going to be. This will put you into the "sex 2-3 times a month or 2-3 times a year" category.
   
   On the other hand, if she comes from a broken home, her father left when she was young, or her mother disowned her years ago, get prepared for the best sex of your life. She will have such an unquenchable sexual appetite that she will wear you out. This will result in you being in the "sex 2-3 times a week or 2-3 times a day" category. Maybe she has sex as a way to make up for the physical love, emotional support and acceptance she didn't get from her parents.
   
   Yeah, like you're really going to care about the reasons!
   
   There's at least one of these girls in every circle of friends. The guy she is going out with doesn't deserve half the sex he's getting. He thinks he's a stud, when in reality he doesn't understand that he has nothing to do with his girlfriend getting hot and horny. He's just happens to be the closest warm body to put out her "fire in the hole." This guy is in for a big let down when he moves on to the next girl who isn't so naturally horny. As a result, the sex will be given out with an eye dropper because he doesn't know how to create the feelings of attraction in her.
   

6. You're Just The Stunt Double:
   
   This one is 3 dimensional. Don't just think because a woman has a great time with you and really seems interested that you should be heading for the jewelry store for an engagement ring.

1. She might be on the rebound from a relationship and her friends told her to "dance with a stranger" in order to help forget about her heartache.


2. Even worse, she might not be officially broken up with her boyfriend yet and just be looking for revenge for the evening. It could be dirty dancing, kissing or a one night stand with you, but by the next day she has changed back into a pumpkin and won't even remember your name.


3. And worst of all, she keeps you around for a while for a short term relationship and gets your hopes up. You later find out that the entire relationship was a facade and you might as well been in a Hollywood movie. You're just a stunt double that she bounced up and down on for a while until the real "leading man" came back into her life.
   
   
7. Out of the Blue Booty Call:
   
   This is a 2-parter. If some woman that you've dated before or just happen to know suddenly calls you out of the blue for a late night booty call. Be careful that she isn't just horny and lonely. Don't look at this as:"Well I knew she would come to her senses!" Rather she could be in trouble.
   
1. She might already be looking for protection from something she did that day or week. Now she needs you to step up and defend her and get her out of trouble especially if she needs you to leave right away and come get her.
   
2. She could also be pregnant and need you to have sex with her as quickly as possible. You think it's great and you use 3 kinds of protection. However, within the next few days, she informs you that the baby must be yours from the night of passion you both shared. See you on the talk show circuit with your D.N.A.samples!



8. Fair Weather Girlfriend:
   
   This is the classic case of the girl in high school that goes out with the football player during fall football season; the wrestler and basketball player during the winter season; the baseball player during the spring season and the life guard on summer vacation. Beware of this one because she has a greater interest in the letterman's jacket than the in the letterman himself.
   
   When she gets older she will sell her affection to the highest bidder. She will leave a trail of everything from jackets to jewelry as she "traded up" the social ladder. At best, you will be just one of the little people she stepped on to get to where she needed to go. I say save your money or at least get a receipt. This way you can ask for a refund back at the store for your gifts. She is certain to discard them just as sure as the next season changes.
   
   
9. Whole lot a jerking going on:
   
   If someone gives you a jerk in a certain direction it shifts your body and mind to focus on what just happened. I say that a Jerk in the Social Marketplace is someone that comes in to a woman's life and shakes up the complacency.
   
   He gets her to focus on what he wants to do by "jerking her around."
   He alters her destiny by "jerking her around."
   He gets on her mind by giving a jerk (or a twist) to her reality.
   
   Most people (especially women) are bored and waiting for something to jolt them. Women want to be anything but bored. This is why soap operas and romance novels hold a woman's attention so well. There is so much "jerking" going on and the women love it. The characters get "jerked" in one direction and as soon as they get too comfortable, they get "jerked" in another direction with a whole new batch of excitement and problems.
   
   If you see that your woman is more interested in her romance novels and soap operas, you know that she is secretly crying out to live the drama instead of just reading about it and watching it on TiVo.
   
   Jerks "jerk" people from one extreme to the other and have the relationship bouncing up and down like an E.K.G. Nice-guys stay in a straight line - a "flat line!" And that is why their relationships with women "flat line" and die.
   
   
10. Double Agent:
    
    You've heard phrase: "It's the quiet ones you gotta watch."
    
    This is so true with women because it is so easy for them to give you a false impression of themselves.
    
    Women have so many moods, personalities and emotions that you need a scorecard to keep up. What if I told you that the quite reserved woman at work was yelling and screaming her head off last night at a rock and roll concert? --Only to be followed by a night of yelling and screaming her head off during sweaty, passionate sex.
    
    Most women live out their alter egos and share them only with their closest friends and lovers. They will give you the false impression that they look like and act like the quiet librarian who would rather stay in and read her novels, but most of these women have enough built up sexual energy to light up a city. She just never found the right outlet for it.
    Don't accept the quiet reserved personality you see at face value because she might act completely different behind closed doors in private.
    
    
11. Marking the Territory:
    
    This one is 4 dimensional.
    
1. Sometimes when a woman doesn't know if you are playing the field or dating her exclusively she will "mark the territory." She will do this by purposely dropping something under the car seat or couch to see if any other girls have left anything behind (from earrings to a bra). If she finds something, she will question it and you better hope that you have a roommate to blame it on or your sister crashed at your place last night.


2. She will be the one leaving something behind for another woman to find hoping you will get caught in her trap.


3. She will leave something behind like an extra earring (that she wasn't wearing that day) under the car seat and then on the next date pretend to find it and ask you whose it is. She just wants to see if you are going to cough up any names of other girlfriends that you might have had in your car in between the dates with her. I remember I learned this one by finding the earring that my date left behind when I cleaned my car. On the next date, it was hilarious to see her looking for it under the seat as she couldn't wait to question me about it. The only problem with her plan was that the earring was already moved by me. I said: "If you're looking for the earring you left behind, it's in the glove compartment." She was speechless.


4. When you get to the point in the relationship where you move in together or get married, a woman will usually want to start by leaving some of her personal items at your place to mark the territory. It will start off with her leaving anything behind from an extra hair brush or tooth brush and then it will escalate to cosmetics and tampons. Before you know it she is slowly redecorating by changing your drapes and buying you some hand towels for the bathroom. You respond with: "I'm a guy, what do I need a hand towel for?"
   
   Then you really know you're in trouble when she buys a bed set with a flower pattern on it. Of course, you don't notice the flowery bed spread for a while because she met you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie or just one of your white dress shirts. She has the best sex of your life with you in every room except the bedroom. The next day when you finally find the bedspread, she meets you there and decides to give you a repeat performance of the night before. And once again you seem to forget abut the flowers that you are laying on! Until one day you just wake up and ask her: "Honey, when did we get a bed spread with flowers on it?"



12. Lover's Spat:
    
    Beware of the woman that just starts arguments even when things are going great. She needs to see a "show of strength" from her man to fight back. This will give her a feeling of security. Just like saying: "I love you," some women need this reinforcement once a day, once a week, once a month or maybe just once a year. Be aware of how often she needs this reinforcement and decide if it's a level you can accept and live with. She might even be getting into arguments for no other reason except to have the "make-up sex."
    
    Well, every once in a while there's some benefits to this craziness.
    
    
13. Two Tickets to Paradise:
    
    By the way, neither one of these tickets has your name on it, but you're supposed wish your woman a good time as she and at least one friend are headed to a vacation destination without you. These girlfriend vacations are worse than a "girl's night out" and a bachelorette party combined because it involves multiple nights and a greater distance away from home. In other words, what's going to happen on vacation is going to stay on vacation. You are supposed to be the drug she is addicted to, not the everyday seriousness that needs a break from.
    
    She needs to have her friends, but in my book, vacation time is couple time. You'll never find out the truth (nor do you really want to know the truth) about what went on during her vacation. It's best that you either go with her on vacation; get everyone to go as couples or just talk her out of going all together. If all else fails, be sure to call up your buddies and schedule a trip of your own. Then decide if you really want to be with a woman who is going to spend thousands of dollars just to get away from you and create fun memories when you are hundreds or thousands of miles away.
    
    
14. Daddy's Little Devil:
    
    You should watch the way a woman treats and interacts wit her dad or father figure in her life.
    
    Take a lesson from her because she has been watching like a hawk in the way that you treat your mom or mother figure in you life. Most women believe that they will eventually be treated the same way you treat your mother. The downside is if you are too close to you mother you are going to be known as a "Mama's boy." On the other hand, if you haven't talked to your mother in years (by choice) or it takes such a great effort to just call her on Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas, then this might raise a red flag to a woman as well. For this very reason, some say that over time, you will be getting the samelevel of respect that she has for her father. If she has himwrapped around her finger, chances are over time, she will haveyou wrapped around her finger as well.
    
    If she has her dad fooled by lying to him on a consistent basis and he is clueless to how she really is outside the house, chances are you will be in a similar denial about her someday as well. Even if she is 50+years old, she might be "Daddy's Little Girl" at home, but outside she is "Daddy's Little Devil."
    
    These are the types of women who are jumping around on stage winning amateur wet T-shirt contest at the bar on Saturday night and singing in the church choir Sunday morning.
    Be the one who she is getting into trouble with and not the responsible one who is bailing her out.
    
    Sports figures, especially in professional basketball keep saying things like: "I'm not a role model, just let me do my job and win games." With this in mind, I believe you can't be the "role-model-father-figure" and "lover" to the same woman. So pick up what costume you want first and let the other one sit there. The more you take the role of the responsible father figure in her life, the more she will rebel against you as well. Now you're the enemy instead of her fun time "partner in crime."

U.S. Army

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a U.S. Army Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq ...

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.

Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song, 'The Moon and Me,' one last time." The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Army, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Sergeant.
"What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Sergeant went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?"

"'What?" replied the Sergeant, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?"