Swine Flu Mind Control

News media reports “many deaths” from this so-called “Swine Flu.” Do you know of anyone who has died from from “Swine Flu?” In fact, do you know anyone who has even had “Swine Flu?

Media, quoting government sources, claims deaths of children but provides no details. Why? Because “Swine Flu” is a hoax of sorts.

The intent is to get as many people as possible to consent to receive the “Swine Flu Vaccine.”

This “Vaccine” is, in reality, a government created mind control drug.

Since election, Obama and his leftist cronies have seen resistance to their destruction of Democracy growing rapidly. To regain control over the citizenry, they created “Swine Flu” as a way to distribute this H1N1 Mind Control Drug to the masses – with their unwitting consent.

Broadview Security

I've seen three different ads for this alarm system company and all seem to have a serious flaw.

1. Woman and child go inside house for lunch. A gruesome man kicks in the door. Mother and child scream and run upstairs. The phone rings, the woman answers, it's Broadview Security.

2. Woman returns home after a date. Her ex-boyfriend smashes through the door. The woman screams and runs upstairs. The phone rings, it's Broadview Security.

3. A man who has apparently just attended a party at a woman's house smashes in. The woman screams. Apparently she runs upstairs because she's shown sliding across a bed to answer the phone. It's Broadview Security calling.

It seems to me that running upstairs might not be the wisest thing to do - unless maybe these women have a gun upstairs. Most all houses have just one way out from upstairs - down the stairs. If you're downstairs you have multiple ways to get out.

BMW

BMW has a TV ad where a guy is standing in darkened area. He’s holding a fluorescent bulb. He says that Americans are responsible people and BMW is responsible too. That’s when about 10,000 fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling come on.

Vietnam

Obama

Our Founding Fathers

News Media

Check this out - two versions of the same event:

CNN

MSNBC

Gotta love the news media!

.

Car Insurance

Progressive ad says I can save $450/yr by switching from my present insurance.

GEICO ad says I can save $400/yr by switching from Progressive.

Allstate ad says I can save $350 by switching from GEICO.

So, I'm going with Progressive. Then I'm switching to GEICO and then to Allstate.

It'll be nice to get a check from Allstate every month.

Whoa!

I was at Snapper Magee's this afternoon. This guy came in and was talking to Bekkey, the bartender. He said, "You probably know my son, Corey."

Bekkey replied, "You're Corey's dad?"

The guy is very taken aback, "Whoa! How did you know that?"

I couldn't look at Bekkey and she couldn't look at me. She, literally, ran to the other end of the bar while stifling laughter. While still stifling laughter she said she was going out for a cigarette. I said I'd join her. We got outside and couldn't help but start laughing. The guy came out and wanted to know what was so funny.

After he left Bekkey and I decided we've got to put a camera and microphone in there - what a reality show that would be!

“SURREAL”

The new word is: "surreal." Every eyewitness news account seems to have the person saying, "It was surreal." The latest was the plane vs helicopter crash over the Hudson. An NYC 10 year old was a witness and said, what else, "it was surreal."

Later they had a report of shooting somewhere. Eyewitness said, what else, "it was surreal."

"Human interest" story about some idiot falling and not getting hurt. "What was it like?" "It was surreal."

You'd almost think there's a school out there somewhere for eyewitnesses. It couldn't be that "reporters" are coaching people on what to say. Nah, reporters have ethical standards.

Like the reporter who was interviewing 2 witnesses to that plane/helicopter incident - a twelve year old girl and her father. The reporter says the girl was so upset seeing the plane go down that she "shook and cried for 20 minutes." Then the reporter proceeded to ask questions in a manner that it was obvious she was trying to get this little girl to respond emotionally: "When you saw that plane going down it was like you realized that it could be a family, a family just like yours in that plane and you knew they were going to die. What were your thoughts?" "When that plane hit the water you knew that at any time you could lose your sister, or mother, or father, or all of them, at any time and you love them, don't you?

Great ethics to blatantly try to get a little girl to break down for the camera!

Bill's Rules #7

For every hot chick you meet....

There's a guy who's fed up with her crap.

The Slim Clip

I don't carry a wallet and I break credit cards a few times a year from them being in my pocket. I decided to buy the advertised on TV, "Slim Clip." It holds up to 6 credit cards and thirty bills. When you order for "just $10, we'll include, for free, our handy pocket laser light. Act now and we'll double your order. That's 2 Slim Clips and 2 pocket laser lights for just $10. Just pay separate shipping and handling."

I went to their site. As I placed the order there was a page that offered three more for just another $10. I figured what the hell. It's just $10 plus separate shipping and handling.

Nowhere did the site have info about shipping and handling charges! I checked.

The final order amount was $75.97! $20 for merchandise and $50.97 for shipping and handling.

I called them to cancel. "We can't cancel yet. The order won't be delivered from the website until tomorrow. You'll have to call back tomorrow."

I went back to the site and found a "contact form." I cancelled through that form 52 times - Once for each dollar of shipping and handling charges.

Today the charge was posted to my card account!

Tomorrow it will be charged back.

Just Wondering….

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Cambridge Police Department

Unlike ordinary citizens, a police officer does not have the luxury of walking away from a volatile situation. The cop will first try to defuse the situation and calm the out of control individual. If this fails, the cop is forced to take action. This action may include arrest of the out of control individual.

Cops are aware that age, gender, and race are not determining factors in the escalation of an out of control individual. Cops and ordinary citizens have been injured or killed when a person has escalated from a verbal tirade to physical violence. The cop is obligated to make an arrest in a situation where he believes an out of control person might become a danger to himself or others.

It is readily apparent to any reasonable person that Sgt Crowley acted in accordance with training, procedure and common sense. If anything, Sgt Crowley violated procedure by not doing a "pat down" (for weapons) before obtaining proper identification from Prof. Gates.

Pres Obama, the MA Governor and the Cambridge Mayor all should issue an apology to Sgt Crowley, the Cambridge Police Department and all police officers and departments throughout the nation. Their uninformed remarks have maligned police offers everywhere as well as making an already difficult job more difficult.

Does a police officer now have to pause to reflect, "What will the president think?" That could result in injury or death to police officers. Even innocent citizens could be injured or killed by an assailant if police officers hesitate to wonder if the president, governor or mayor will approve of their action.

Luckily, Sgt Crowley took action in this situation. A person out of control, as Prof Gates was, could easily escalate to physical violence with no warning.

When I attended police academy, we were told many times that police officers must take immediate action in a volatile situation. We were shown many case histories where police officers, or others, lost their lives because a cop hesitated.

There's an old saying: "Better to be judged by twelve than carried by six."

Woo

A man I knew was struck by a train and killed last week.

Local “authorities” said it was a “possible suicide” because he was walking on the tracks toward the train.

Anyone who knew “Woo” (Roy Bagley), also knows that he had a very serious motorcycle accident. As he said, “Woo, broke my helmet. broke my head.” He had a serious head injury and brain damage.

He was known as “Woo” because he would throw that into sentences, like: It sure is hot out, woo!” and, “Woo, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Most people who knew “Woo” know that he was a bit slow in interpreting things. If he was asked a question, it would take maybe 15-20 seconds before he started to formulate an answer.

Woo didn’t kill himself! Woo was not able to understand that a train coming toward him was danger – until it was too late.

I’ll miss Woo (as will many others). I remember one night standing outside Snapper’s with the woman I was going with at the time. Woo came over and told her, “Always have sex with him whenever he wants, woo. Woo, you never know when he’ll be gone.” Thanks Woo!

More on eyes

Obama

I have got to get one of these:

Chia Obama

Eyes

A friend, who knew my father, said, “You have your father’s eyes.”

”No, I don’t. They were cremated with him.”

Some Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Hardly seems worth it.

If you farted continuously for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Now that's more like it!

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
O.M.G.!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
In my next life, I want to be a pig.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Creepy. But I'm still not over the pig.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
Don't try this at home, maybe at work.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
"Honey, I'm home. What the....?!"

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.

Butterflies taste with their feet.
Something I always wanted to know.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Hmmmmmm......

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
Okay, so that would be a good thing.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
I wonder who was paid to figure that out?

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
I know some people like that.

Starfish have no brains.
I know some people like that too.

Polar bears are left-handed.
If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
What about that pig??

Rewriting History So Soon?

Watching the network Sun news shows, there seems to be a rewriting of history. Comment agreed by all on GS show: We went to war in Iraq to “free the Iraqi people from tyranny." Followed by: We went to war in Afghanistan to "remove the Taliban" from power.

Hmm. Seems to me Iraq was because Iraq "has weapons of mass destruction" and Afghanistan was to get Bin Laden and his cronies as revenge for 9/11. But then, Iraq didn't have WMDs and Bin Laden is still out there.

I guess if actions don't go as planned, change the reason for the actions to make it appear they went as planned?

In Praise of Older Men

Since my early dating days, my taste has always run toward older men. Significantly older.

First of all, an older man will always think you are amazingly beautiful. An older man just makes me feel like I'm some goddess sprung from the sea like Botticelli's Venus.

In addition, they are incredibly considerate lovers, and don't rush through sex like they're competing in the 50-yard sprint. They take their time and enjoy exploring every inch of your body, as someone appreciating a fine wine.

Happily, they are often interested in stimulating your mind as much as your body. The level of conversation is usually considerably higher than the men who are my contemporaries, and I love being able to learn new things from them.

They still feel it's OK to open doors for you, bring you flowers, and pay the bill when you go to dinner. Yes, of course I'm able to do all those things for myself, but why should I?

Older men enjoy taking care of me, and in turn I do caring things for them like cook fine meals, rub their shoulders when they're tense, and other things women are good at. With older men it's OK to be feminine, which I like.

One of the best things about older men is that they have learned enough to know that the woman is often right. And if they are really smart they let her have her way, even when she is wrong.

So while dating an older guy can have its drawbacks (like when you go out and people think you are father and daughter), there is still a lot to recommend it.


~ Laurel Avery

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government.





A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.









It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Michael Jacksons death is so tragic -

- he touched so many children in so many special ways.

Michael Jackson did manage to whisper a brief message to paramedics on his way to the hospital… “put me on the children’s ward”

There are unconfirmed reports of people hearing Thriller playing backwards from the morgue - Apparently he’s de-composing.

Coroners office just released a statement saying that they are going to melt down Michael’s body and turn him into plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change.

When Farah arrived at the pearly gates God granted her 1 wish. Farah thought for a minute and said “I wish for the children to be safe”. God paused, smiled and then told her… “The children are safe… i just killed Michael Jackson”

Early reports are that the hospital does not know what to do with the body, as plastic recycling is not collected until next Thursday.

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital the maternity ward was immediately put on lockdown.

Like Michael Jackson always said. “Live fast, die young, leave a vaguely Vietnamese looking woman’s corpse”

MJ’s cardiac arrest was brought about when he found out that Boyz 2 Men were a boy band and not a delivery service.

The End

For a dear little girl,
Oh, she's no girl, but a witch
Always begging for mercy
Damned dumb stupid bitch.
She's tried every trick in the book,
"Oh cruel world!" is her trademark lure
I'll say it's cruel-
How did I get a Bitch like her?
She won't go away
Won't leave me alone,
God, what did I do wrong?????
Will I always be bitch prone?
Go to hell little child,
Soon, time's flyin' by.
I can't wait
Until in your coffin you lie.
Course it won't be the first time you've lied,
To anyone besides me.
Too many lies, too much confusion,
Without you, I'm free.

12 Signs You're Falling In Love

1. You can’t stay mad at him/her for more than a few minutes and actually
   have to try hard to stay mad.



2. You walk really slow when you’re with him/her.



3. You feel shy or nervous when you’re with him/her.



4. When you think about him/her your heart beats faster.



5. Listening to his/her voice you smile for no reason.



6. When looking at him/her you don’t see the other people around you, you only see him/her.



7. You start listening to slow songs.



8. He/She becomes all you think about.



9. You get high just by his/her smell.



10. You realize that you’re always smiling when you think about him/her.



11. You would do anything for him/her.



12. While reading this there was one person on your mind the entire time.

48 Reasons Why Young Women Should Date Older Men

1. He knows a lot of useless stuff and makes a great partner in games like Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit and Balderdash.



2. He’s well-read. He can explain a book’s plot and storyline to you quickly and succinctly, thereby saving you the time it would take to actually read the book. It’s like having your own personal set of Cliff Notes.



3. This gives you more free time to spend his money at malls, outlet stores, and online.



4. He knows a lot about music. He can name the band that Paul McCartney played with prior to Wings.



5. You can borrow his Grecian Formula to patch any bleached sun spots in your hair.



6. The big bedroom and/or guest rooms in his house means no rent for you and eventually your friends/relatives can move in too.



7. He’ll provide better, more intelligent and engrossing conversations. How long can you talk about trucks, extreme sports and partying anyway?



8. If you sprain your ankle, you can use his cane.



9. He qualifies for early bird senior discounts at restaurants.



10. He’ll actually dance with you at night clubs. He’ll be the hit of the party when he pulls out his “Funky Chicken.”



11. He’ll open doors and pull out chairs for you.



12. If he gets too chatty, you can hide his teeth.



13. Qualifies for AARP membership privileges.



14. You can throw away all of your coupons for McDonalds, Der Wienerschnitzel and Panda Express since you have no use for them. Start to brush up on your dining etiquette and prepare yourself for eating at restaurants such as Houston’s, P.F. Chang, and Morton’s.



15. He’ll give you flowers, candy and best of all - cold, hard cash!



16. He’s into holding hands and other Public Displays of Affection (PDA's) as opposed to today’s “no contact” rules associated with dating in 2009.



17. You won’t need to pay for AAA roadside service because he’ll pick you up whenever your car breaks down.



18. He’ll effectively replace your dad for when pops isn't around. Celebrate Father’s Day twice!



19. Will treat 100% of the time. Young guys don’t have cash, credit cards, or in many cases, wallets.



20. No random late-night booty calls, because he goes to bed at 10 pm every night.



21. He won’t try to change you.



22. He can help you with your homework.



23. He’s very experienced in bed. If you like it or want to try it, he’s been there, done that! And more than once.



24. He won’t pretend to listen to you just so he can get in your pants.



25. Kiss goodbye to Motel 6, Budget Inn, and Super 8 when you travel. Say hello to the Hyatt, the Hilton, and the Westin.



26. He has a future, even though it might be a limited one.



27. You’ll never have to pay for car maintenance. A lifetime of free tune-ups, oil changes, tire rotations and windshield wiper replacements awaits you.



28. Dating him will shock your folks. They may even throw lots of money at you to stop dating him.



29. He has some serious pension/social security money coming to him down the line.



30. He’s not sleeping on mommy’s couch or living with his parents.



31. You don’t have to worry about him looking at other women. His vision is probably so shot he can’t see them.



32. He’s articulate and knows multi-syllabic words. Improve your vocabulary.



33. Sex with caring.



34. He dresses better. Won’t show up in his one pair of ratty jeans all the time. Means you can get into nice restaurants/clubs.



35. He doesn't have any drug baggage. He may have smoked pot in the ’60’s and ’70’s; or did coke in the ’80’s and ’90’s, but chances are he’s clean now. Otherwise he’d probably be dead.



36. He’s entitled to all kind of discounts including senior bus fares and matinee discounts. This means more cash left over for you.



37. He’ll wait at least two weeks before he expects it.



38. You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant. His sperm cells are so old, they’re swimming backstroke.



39. He’s an attentive lover and won’t forget your name or order pizza immediately after he has an orgasm.



40. He won’t argue with you over little, meaningless things. He’s basically numb.



41. He won’t ask you a bunch of personal, prying questions, like “What’s your name?”



42. He won’t run away. At least not very far. Or very fast.



43. You can talk politics with him, something you can’t do with younger men. He knows that Colin Powell isn't a medical condition.



44. He’ll memorize your phone number, which comes in handy if you get too drunk and forget it.



45. He’ll turn you on to old-school chick flicks like The Graduate, Love Story and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.



46. He won’t be text messaging you all the time. He doesn't know how!



47. He’ll take you on incredible vacations, unlike young guys. No more Vegas, Palm Springs and Tijuana during Spring Break. Say hello to cruises to Europe and Australia, ski trips to Aspen and Telluride and African safaris.



48. He won’t be jealous of your vibrator. He’s realistic!

Support Our Troops

If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops,
Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

The Fly

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...
if I go down four inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh." he thought,
"if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down four inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
and that hunter shoots that bear...
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...
then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down four inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.

Light & Fit

TV commercial again.

I’d love to meet this chick:

Watch the end of her commercial:

Light & Fit Commercial

Theory on Women

1. Pay Dues and No Membership

   Women know that Nice-guys stay alert to help any woman in need. Nice-guys are delusional if they think that by helping any woman with what ever she needs that she will see him as “good boyfriend material.” This extends all the way from letting her pull into traffic in front of you (when she’s a stranger) to helping her move to a different apartment (when you're her best friend). When in reality, all she really sees you as is a tool that anyone can just use because they have little respect for you - so why should she be any different. You will “be there for her” like a best friend and that’s the way she will treat you. She might even say: "You're such a doll for doing this for me.." Which translates to: You are a like a stuffed animal toy that she hugs when she feels lonely or needs to cry.. When something more interesting or exciting comes around, she quickly loses interest and puts you back on the shelf until next time she needs you. You will keep paying the emotional, physical, and mental dues, and receive no boyfriend membership and benefits for your efforts.

   The next time a girl calls and asks for a favor, ask yourself:
   
   W.W.J.D.: "What would a Jerk do?"
   No, not to be confused with the W.W.J.D.: "What would Jesus do?"
   
   Remember, Jesus was the ultimate Nice-guy and the people nailed him to a cross. -Ouch! This proves that even 2,000 years ago it was painful to be a Nice-guy.
   
   I think it's less painful to be a Jerk!
   
   

2. Play 20 Questions

   This is a classical first date test. You think everything is going great on the date because the conversation keeps going. The only reason the conversation keeps going is because she is playing 20 questions with you. She is asking you everything from your favorite color to your mother's maiden name. You willingly tell her EVERYTHING and think: "Wow, I've got such a great rapport with this woman; she's really interested in me because she keeps asking me questions."
   
   The problem is that she needs mystery in the relationship. If you tell her everything about yourself on the 1st date, don't wonder why you're not getting a second one. Whether she is asking these questions because she is testing you to see how much you will reveal about yourself (or genuinely interested in asking), you need to give short answers and get out of this mode as quickly as possible in order to save yourself and the potential future dates.
   
   The more you are on "Play" (re-playing your old "fun" memories for her and making your conversation sound like a documentary about yourself) instead of "Record" (recording the fun intensity of the moment you are in now by doing spontaneous and adventurous things) the faster the relationship will crash and burn before it even gets off the ground. Nice-guys think if they tell her about all the fun they had in the past, he will appear to be a good prospect of fun in the future. Do you think she wants to come over on the 1st or second date and watch home movies of you and all your fun in the past? Or do you think she wants you to create some fun memories with her so you both can play them in your minds for years to come? I'm here to tell you that women think just like the warning found on a mutual fund ad: "Past performance is no guarantee of future performance."
   
   She knows the only way she will be attracted to you as a fun, spontaneous, unpredictable, adventurous guy is to see if you act that way around her now, not just in your past around other people.
   
   

3. The Acid Test Question: (this one is so important and relationship changing that it had to have its own number):
   
   When all is going right in a relationship and you're wondering if the woman is going to have sex with you - beware! She might try and throw a monkey wrench in the works by asking you one tiny little relationship altering, destiny changing question. She will say something along the lines of:
   "Have you ever fantasized about us together?";
   "Do you think you'd ever do it with me?";
   "Do you ever think about having sex with me?" or
   "Have you ever thought about us making love?"
   Most guys think this is an easy question which will take them one step closer to having sex with her. They quickly answer with a confident "yes" and think that this all too easy.
   
   The problem is that when she knows that she can have you, before she has had you, the chances of you having sex with her went from 90% down to 10% in a heartbeat. So therefore, realize that you will be giving yourself such an incredible and instant, social setback that you should answer ANYTHING but yes!
   
   By the way, don't answer no either. If you do, she will think that you are lying or that you are gay (or both). The 10% chance (you had by answering yes) looks really good now! She knows that if you are giving her any amount of attention (like going on a date) that you are sexually interested in her. If you weren't sexually interested in her you would have skimmed right past her like that minimum wage job in the help wanted section.
   
   With that in mind, the next time you're asked if you thought about the two of you having sex before it actually happens, try answering with something smart ass and cocky like:
   "Well that's for me to know and you to find out..";
   "Who every said you could afford me?";
   "Well, you've got good potential, but you might have to do a better job on selling me on it."; or
   "Yeah, I dreamed about it and in the dream you couldn't keep up, so you better do something to increase your endurance before we even try to have sex. Maybe take a few aerobic classes or something.."
   
   What you are letting her know is that you are not hungry. You are also communicating to her that she can't afford you and you've had better than her. You're presenting yourself as being expensive and it's going to take more on her part if she wants your attention. You're showing her that you are not an easy sell or an easy kill. You're demonstrating to her that you're comfortable enough, confident enough and experienced enough around women to be playful in a fun teasing way.
   
   This teasing is what makes the sexual intensity skyrocket because you are holding her back from getting the instant gratification she so desperately craves. Make sure she gets her instant gratification from shopping and Nice-guys, not from you.
   

4. Reverse Passion Play:
   
   This is where the woman tries to tell you how busy she is with her life. She has her career, possibly graduate school with homework, her friends, her family, her cats and on and on. She takes what I said about: .Making yourself a Challenge. and uses it against you. She tries to sell you on the idea that her life is so busy with her passions, hobbies, interests and commitments that the only chance you have of being around her is to just get in line behind EVERYTHING else. If you find a woman who does this or at least presents herself this way, it is either a social smoke screen to see if you are intimidated by her strong feminine life or bunch of crap and lies (or both). If the right guy came around and created feelings of attraction in her, she would leave all of the passions, hobbies, interests and commitments in order to try to be first in your line rather than warning you that you have to be in the back of the line in her life. This is where the Jerk can get almost any woman to miss meetings at work, cancel out on her friends and lie to her family in order to get another taste of what she knows she can't have(him) and satisfy her uncontrollable, unstoppable, biological urge and addiction to be with him.
   

5. Sorry, Members Only:
   
   I've come to the conclusion that your sex life with any woman is indirectly proportional to the relationship she has with her parents. In other words, the better the relationship she has with her parents, the worse the quality and quantity of your sex life is going to be. This will put you into the "sex 2-3 times a month or 2-3 times a year" category.
   
   On the other hand, if she comes from a broken home, her father left when she was young, or her mother disowned her years ago, get prepared for the best sex of your life. She will have such an unquenchable sexual appetite that she will wear you out. This will result in you being in the "sex 2-3 times a week or 2-3 times a day" category. Maybe she has sex as a way to make up for the physical love, emotional support and acceptance she didn't get from her parents.
   
   Yeah, like you're really going to care about the reasons!
   
   There's at least one of these girls in every circle of friends. The guy she is going out with doesn't deserve half the sex he's getting. He thinks he's a stud, when in reality he doesn't understand that he has nothing to do with his girlfriend getting hot and horny. He's just happens to be the closest warm body to put out her "fire in the hole." This guy is in for a big let down when he moves on to the next girl who isn't so naturally horny. As a result, the sex will be given out with an eye dropper because he doesn't know how to create the feelings of attraction in her.
   

6. You're Just The Stunt Double:
   
   This one is 3 dimensional. Don't just think because a woman has a great time with you and really seems interested that you should be heading for the jewelry store for an engagement ring.

1. She might be on the rebound from a relationship and her friends told her to "dance with a stranger" in order to help forget about her heartache.


2. Even worse, she might not be officially broken up with her boyfriend yet and just be looking for revenge for the evening. It could be dirty dancing, kissing or a one night stand with you, but by the next day she has changed back into a pumpkin and won't even remember your name.


3. And worst of all, she keeps you around for a while for a short term relationship and gets your hopes up. You later find out that the entire relationship was a facade and you might as well been in a Hollywood movie. You're just a stunt double that she bounced up and down on for a while until the real "leading man" came back into her life.
   
   
7. Out of the Blue Booty Call:
   
   This is a 2-parter. If some woman that you've dated before or just happen to know suddenly calls you out of the blue for a late night booty call. Be careful that she isn't just horny and lonely. Don't look at this as:"Well I knew she would come to her senses!" Rather she could be in trouble.
   
1. She might already be looking for protection from something she did that day or week. Now she needs you to step up and defend her and get her out of trouble especially if she needs you to leave right away and come get her.
   
2. She could also be pregnant and need you to have sex with her as quickly as possible. You think it's great and you use 3 kinds of protection. However, within the next few days, she informs you that the baby must be yours from the night of passion you both shared. See you on the talk show circuit with your D.N.A.samples!



8. Fair Weather Girlfriend:
   
   This is the classic case of the girl in high school that goes out with the football player during fall football season; the wrestler and basketball player during the winter season; the baseball player during the spring season and the life guard on summer vacation. Beware of this one because she has a greater interest in the letterman's jacket than the in the letterman himself.
   
   When she gets older she will sell her affection to the highest bidder. She will leave a trail of everything from jackets to jewelry as she "traded up" the social ladder. At best, you will be just one of the little people she stepped on to get to where she needed to go. I say save your money or at least get a receipt. This way you can ask for a refund back at the store for your gifts. She is certain to discard them just as sure as the next season changes.
   
   
9. Whole lot a jerking going on:
   
   If someone gives you a jerk in a certain direction it shifts your body and mind to focus on what just happened. I say that a Jerk in the Social Marketplace is someone that comes in to a woman's life and shakes up the complacency.
   
   He gets her to focus on what he wants to do by "jerking her around."
   He alters her destiny by "jerking her around."
   He gets on her mind by giving a jerk (or a twist) to her reality.
   
   Most people (especially women) are bored and waiting for something to jolt them. Women want to be anything but bored. This is why soap operas and romance novels hold a woman's attention so well. There is so much "jerking" going on and the women love it. The characters get "jerked" in one direction and as soon as they get too comfortable, they get "jerked" in another direction with a whole new batch of excitement and problems.
   
   If you see that your woman is more interested in her romance novels and soap operas, you know that she is secretly crying out to live the drama instead of just reading about it and watching it on TiVo.
   
   Jerks "jerk" people from one extreme to the other and have the relationship bouncing up and down like an E.K.G. Nice-guys stay in a straight line - a "flat line!" And that is why their relationships with women "flat line" and die.
   
   
10. Double Agent:
    
    You've heard phrase: "It's the quiet ones you gotta watch."
    
    This is so true with women because it is so easy for them to give you a false impression of themselves.
    
    Women have so many moods, personalities and emotions that you need a scorecard to keep up. What if I told you that the quite reserved woman at work was yelling and screaming her head off last night at a rock and roll concert? --Only to be followed by a night of yelling and screaming her head off during sweaty, passionate sex.
    
    Most women live out their alter egos and share them only with their closest friends and lovers. They will give you the false impression that they look like and act like the quiet librarian who would rather stay in and read her novels, but most of these women have enough built up sexual energy to light up a city. She just never found the right outlet for it.
    Don't accept the quiet reserved personality you see at face value because she might act completely different behind closed doors in private.
    
    
11. Marking the Territory:
    
    This one is 4 dimensional.
    
1. Sometimes when a woman doesn't know if you are playing the field or dating her exclusively she will "mark the territory." She will do this by purposely dropping something under the car seat or couch to see if any other girls have left anything behind (from earrings to a bra). If she finds something, she will question it and you better hope that you have a roommate to blame it on or your sister crashed at your place last night.


2. She will be the one leaving something behind for another woman to find hoping you will get caught in her trap.


3. She will leave something behind like an extra earring (that she wasn't wearing that day) under the car seat and then on the next date pretend to find it and ask you whose it is. She just wants to see if you are going to cough up any names of other girlfriends that you might have had in your car in between the dates with her. I remember I learned this one by finding the earring that my date left behind when I cleaned my car. On the next date, it was hilarious to see her looking for it under the seat as she couldn't wait to question me about it. The only problem with her plan was that the earring was already moved by me. I said: "If you're looking for the earring you left behind, it's in the glove compartment." She was speechless.


4. When you get to the point in the relationship where you move in together or get married, a woman will usually want to start by leaving some of her personal items at your place to mark the territory. It will start off with her leaving anything behind from an extra hair brush or tooth brush and then it will escalate to cosmetics and tampons. Before you know it she is slowly redecorating by changing your drapes and buying you some hand towels for the bathroom. You respond with: "I'm a guy, what do I need a hand towel for?"
   
   Then you really know you're in trouble when she buys a bed set with a flower pattern on it. Of course, you don't notice the flowery bed spread for a while because she met you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie or just one of your white dress shirts. She has the best sex of your life with you in every room except the bedroom. The next day when you finally find the bedspread, she meets you there and decides to give you a repeat performance of the night before. And once again you seem to forget abut the flowers that you are laying on! Until one day you just wake up and ask her: "Honey, when did we get a bed spread with flowers on it?"



12. Lover's Spat:
    
    Beware of the woman that just starts arguments even when things are going great. She needs to see a "show of strength" from her man to fight back. This will give her a feeling of security. Just like saying: "I love you," some women need this reinforcement once a day, once a week, once a month or maybe just once a year. Be aware of how often she needs this reinforcement and decide if it's a level you can accept and live with. She might even be getting into arguments for no other reason except to have the "make-up sex."
    
    Well, every once in a while there's some benefits to this craziness.
    
    
13. Two Tickets to Paradise:
    
    By the way, neither one of these tickets has your name on it, but you're supposed wish your woman a good time as she and at least one friend are headed to a vacation destination without you. These girlfriend vacations are worse than a "girl's night out" and a bachelorette party combined because it involves multiple nights and a greater distance away from home. In other words, what's going to happen on vacation is going to stay on vacation. You are supposed to be the drug she is addicted to, not the everyday seriousness that needs a break from.
    
    She needs to have her friends, but in my book, vacation time is couple time. You'll never find out the truth (nor do you really want to know the truth) about what went on during her vacation. It's best that you either go with her on vacation; get everyone to go as couples or just talk her out of going all together. If all else fails, be sure to call up your buddies and schedule a trip of your own. Then decide if you really want to be with a woman who is going to spend thousands of dollars just to get away from you and create fun memories when you are hundreds or thousands of miles away.
    
    
14. Daddy's Little Devil:
    
    You should watch the way a woman treats and interacts wit her dad or father figure in her life.
    
    Take a lesson from her because she has been watching like a hawk in the way that you treat your mom or mother figure in you life. Most women believe that they will eventually be treated the same way you treat your mother. The downside is if you are too close to you mother you are going to be known as a "Mama's boy." On the other hand, if you haven't talked to your mother in years (by choice) or it takes such a great effort to just call her on Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas, then this might raise a red flag to a woman as well. For this very reason, some say that over time, you will be getting the samelevel of respect that she has for her father. If she has himwrapped around her finger, chances are over time, she will haveyou wrapped around her finger as well.
    
    If she has her dad fooled by lying to him on a consistent basis and he is clueless to how she really is outside the house, chances are you will be in a similar denial about her someday as well. Even if she is 50+years old, she might be "Daddy's Little Girl" at home, but outside she is "Daddy's Little Devil."
    
    These are the types of women who are jumping around on stage winning amateur wet T-shirt contest at the bar on Saturday night and singing in the church choir Sunday morning.
    Be the one who she is getting into trouble with and not the responsible one who is bailing her out.
    
    Sports figures, especially in professional basketball keep saying things like: "I'm not a role model, just let me do my job and win games." With this in mind, I believe you can't be the "role-model-father-figure" and "lover" to the same woman. So pick up what costume you want first and let the other one sit there. The more you take the role of the responsible father figure in her life, the more she will rebel against you as well. Now you're the enemy instead of her fun time "partner in crime."

U.S. Army

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a U.S. Army Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq ...

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.

Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song, 'The Moon and Me,' one last time." The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Army, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Sergeant.
"What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Sergeant.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Sergeant went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Sergeant was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?"

"'What?" replied the Sergeant, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

Spooning

Danger!

Spooning

Can lead to forking!

Cartoon

This is (I think) terrific:

Love On the Line

_{(http://www.cartoonbrew.com/brewtv/loveontheline.html>}

I found a company which thinks like me, Old Glory Tees. I ordered several of their tee shirts.

1. PETA
   


2. Guns Don't Kill People... I do
   

Another Problem Solved

What’s the big deal about “Greenhouse gases?” Plants live in greenhouses and plants “inhale” CO² and “exhale” oxygen – you’d think that would be a good thing.

But, if there’s this big deal problem with greenhouse gases, wouldn’t the simple solution be to seal greenhouses better? A little weather-strip would go a long way in preventing these “gases” from getting out of the greenhouses.


Seems simple to me……

Bad Ad

There's an ad for "Free Credit Report Dot Com."

The guy is singing about how he married his dream girl only to find out she has bad credit.

First off, he and his buddies are playing music while his (hot) wife is doing housework - laundry. Shouldn't he, at least, get himself and his friends out of her way, if not offer to help her?

But the worst is at the end: If he had known his "dream girl" had bad credit, he'd be a bachelor, living in the suburbs with a dog and a yard. Isn't there something a little twisted about that?

My Baby

A woman who is a "regular" came into Snapper's carrying a little puppy, "This is my baby."

I have this little devil that sits on my shoulder. I listen to him way too often and this was one of those times. "Are you breast feeding?"

Later, she came over to me. "You don't like little dogs, do you?"

"Untrue," I said (That little devil was still on my shoulder), I love'em. Especially on the grill."

My Friend & Younger Women

My friend has a girlfriend our age. He is happy with her and can't understand why I don't want a woman our age. "She cooks for me. She cleans. She does the laundry. She takes care of me." Several times, I've almost said, "That sounds like a mother to me." Instead, I just tell him, "That's fine - for you. But that's not what I want."

He's also blown it for me a few times. He'll start talking about, "In our day...." or he'll complain that the music is "just noise." Just what I need when I'm trying to convince a sweet young thing that she needs and wants an older guy. I swear, sometimes he sounds like someones grandfather - Uh, oh, that's right, he is.

My favorite, though, was one night when we were in Snapper's - four of us. He was with his girlfriend and I was with a very hot 31 year old chick. He was belting down scotch and beer. The woman I was with went to the Ladies room. My friend, being a bit drunk, leaned in front of his girlfriend and said, "Hey, Bill, I gotta hand it to you. I always heard there were younger women who like older men, but I can never find one." After that his girlfriend became icy silent.

Sometimes he can be silent when I'm hitting on a hot chick. One night the chick I was hitting on was a bit conceited. She went to the ladies room. She was hot and every guy in the place looked at her as she went and came back. She said to me, "Every guy in the place wants to f$%# me." I said, "I don't." My friend about choked on his beer but he kept silent. She looked at me, "You don't?" I replied, "No, I want to make love to you." That was the "gotcha" line!

Gold!

TV commercial with Gordon Liddy. He over emphasizes "GOLD!" every time he says it. "Some analysts say GOLD! will reach $1500."

It made me wonder though: How much GOLD! is buried in graves? Could it be that there's more GOLD! in a large cemetery than the value of the money in a bank? How high does the value of GOLD! have to go before there's grave robbing?

How quiet can you make a backhoe?

But then, who would really know if an undertaker removed all the GOLD! (and other valuables) from the "Dearly Departed" before burial?

Places

I don't go to very many places in Kingston - just a chosen few.

I go to Keegan Ales on St James Street. That used to be the Ulster Foundry & Machine Corp. My father spent most of his working life there. I think he'd be pleased that it's now a brew pub and the bar is where the office used to be. They still have the huge crane that runs along on a set of beams above the machine shop (now brew room). The old push button control unit hangs outside the restrooms and still has tape that my father put on it. The bar foot rail is sections of the track that was used for the carts of iron. It's a good place to take a woman for a few drinks.

I also go to Snapper Magee's on N. Front Street. When I started going there it was named "The Handlebar." It later became "The Bluejay Way." Now, as Snapper's, it is a unique little dive bar. You can meet just about any type of person there, from businessmen and former cops to goths and transvestites - and everyone gets along.

My favorite female bartender works there on Tuesdays and Wednesdays 12-8 and Fridays and Saturdays from 8 to close. Bekkey is one of a kind. She's a caring and trusting type person who has been taken advantage of numerous times but still has not lost her faith in the goodness of people. She still has dreams and thinks they'll come true. Bekkey is about 28, but she has, a few times, been my "big sister," giving me advice. But it's a 2-way street. She comes to me whenever she needs computer advice.

I had the best "shoot down" of my life at Snapper's. A hot chick came in and sat next to me. I said, "Damn you're hot. Where have you been all my life?" I find the old lines work because they've never heard them. But, in this case, she had a quick response. She looked at me and with a slight smile said, "For most of it I wasn't born yet." Rat-at-tat-tat! Crash and burn!

Once in a while I'll go to Valerie's on Foxhall Ave and to Roudigan's Steak House.

Rain

I think the talking heads said we've had just 3 days this month without rain.

I don't think the temperature has been above 70 degrees, but it sure has been muggy.

There's always a bit of "silver lining" - the ground is so saturated that I can't run the mower. I hate yard work.

In fact, I hate mowing so much that I considered buying a ride on mower - one of those 50 inch wide jobs. Hell, with that I could make two trips over my front yard and I'd be done. Brrrrmmmm! 30 feet, turn around and move to the left. Brrrrmmm! 30 feet, done. It would take, maybe, a minute. The back yard would take about 2 minutes.

Instead, I put an ad on Craig's List. I was amazed! I got about 20 responses. I hired a kid. He showed up - once. The other responses? They were all supposed to call me back, or some other thing. None of them followed through. Pretty simple to see why they're unemployed.

Heroes

"Hero" is becoming one of the most misused/overused words. I think this misuse/overuse is causing real heroes to be somewhat devalued.

A good example of this is the guard at the Nat'l Holocaust Museum. He was killed and that is truly tragic. But he wasn't a hero! He opened and held the door for an approaching elderly man. The man entered, pulled a rifle out from under his coat, and shot the guard. Period. The guard was dead. He did nothing "heroic." Other guards heard the shot and they shot the assailant.

What a night!

I gave up smoking, drinking, and women last night.

It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Scratches

Why is it that you always seem to sweat where you have scratches? And sweat in scratches stings!

I almost never sweat on my back - but I have some scratches on my back - so now....

Wondering

What is it with women and newspapers?

A man picks up a newspaper and within one minute the woman with him has to start talking to him.

Update

This is an update to two previous posts - The Great Groundhog and The Toaster.

Getting ready to go out tonight. I decided maybe I should get the toaster out of the litter box (She already has seen it, but why add more fuel to her thinking I'm strange?). So, I removed the toaster and that made Bear happier. Diablo still hasn't bothered the new toaster.

Then I started thinking: "Why not use one problem to solve another problem?"

I put the Oster toaster part way down the large groundhog entry in the backyard. I took Diablo over and showed it to him. Here's my scheme: Diablo will "pee" on the Oster toaster, leaving the scent there. The groundhog will stay away. Seems simple. But then, so did all of Wile E. Coyote's plans to get the roadrunner.

An open letter to our nation's leadership

These are briefly my views and issues for which I seek representation:

1. Illegal Immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking in drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I'm not a racist. This isn't to be confused with legal immigration.
   


2. The TARP Bill. I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.
   


3. Czars. I want the circumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.
   


4. Cap & Trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say.
   


5. Universal Healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!
   


6. Growing Government Control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations. Why don't you start there.
   


7. ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census over with our taxpayer money. I don't trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.
   


8. Redistribution of Wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why ‑‑ what do you have against shareholders making a profit?
   


9. Charitable Contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.
   


10. Corporate Bailouts. Knock it off. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band‑Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.
    


11. Transparency & Accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try ‑‑ please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.
    


12. Unprecedented Quick Spending. Stop it now. Take a breath. Listen to the people. Let's just slow down and get some input from some nonpoliticians on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed reading our bills into law.

I am not an activist. I am not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I'm busy. I'm busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and land of the brave.

I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said no. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is such urgency and recklessness in all of the recent spending.

From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on you to bring our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzword is unsustainable. Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollars did the focus group cost to come up with that word? We don't want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we're morons.

We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives that we will never come for you? We are the formerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work , pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone and we are now looking up at you. You have awakened us, the patriotic spirit so strong and so powerful that it had been sleeping too long. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. They may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. We have cancelled vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced with someone who will. There are candidates among us when hewill rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.

Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us. Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution and that is all that matters to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for you? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. We the people are coming.

Sign the Petition

_{Reprinted from The Glenn Beck Program}

Dish Network

Dish Network sent me a card: "THANK YOU FOR BEING A VALUED CUSTOMER!"

I thought that was nice. I wanted to respond right away and I didn't have any cards. I hope they won't think it's tacky. I crossed out "CUSTOMER" and wrote in "COMPANY." Then I mailed it back to them.

PETA

I can't believe it! PETA is upset that Obama killed a fly!

http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=79213

That reminds me. A woman I know was talking about wearing fur and such. She was fanatical and I hate fanatics of any type (in fact, you might say I'm fanatical about disliking fanatics). I told her, "I'm a member of PETA."
"You are?"
"Yeah, People Eating Tasty Animals."

The Great Groundhog

It statred over a year ago. My own version of "Caddyshack."

I noticed a groundhog in my backyard and later discovered he had burrowed under the handicap ramp from the deck. Then I discovered a huge, deep hole near the center of the yard. I decided he had to go after a friend told me about an area near his house collapsing like a great sinkhole due to a colony of groundhogs.

I tried everything.

I ran water into the hole, hoping a flood would cause him to move. Groundhogs don't have flood insurance, do they?

I waited for him with a 16 gauge shotgun. He was fast. He now had a slight limp, but he was still there.

I looked up remedies on the Internet. I found one which called for sticking a hose as far down the burrow as possible. Then you pour ammonia down the hose, followed immediately by chlorine bleach. You do this during the day. The groundhog is supposed to be home, sleeping. The concoction creates poison gas. I guess this guy had a gas mask.

Next, I tried firecrackers thrown in the burrow. And, a huge firework that launched flaming, colored, exploding balls was stuffed in the hole. I didn't see the groundhog for a few days. I think he went to Miracle Ear.

Back to the Internet. I found another mixture of household chemicals. I poured this into the burrow as directed. Then I lit the fuse on a firecracker and threw that in the hole. Luckily, I didn't stand in line with the hole. The firecracker went off followed almost at the same time by a large "Whoompf" sound and a flame about 5-6 feet long shot out of the hole. Checking the hole by the ramp, I discovered the ground was scorched. Flame must have shot out of there as well. This mixture was a crude "rocket fuel." No groundhog! Three days later, there he was. I guess he had equipment for that, too. There he was, defiantly standing in the yard. I swear he had an insolent grin on his face! And, was it my imagination? Or did he really have a "NASA" patch on his arm?

My friend, Jim, suggested I pour gasoline down the burrows and throw in a match. I thought about it... for maybe ten seconds. "I'm not doing that! The burrow runs under my deck. I'll burn the house down."
"Yeah, but you'll get the groundhog."

I plugged the smaller hole by the deck ramp with gravel. I dropped a cement block in the larger hole. The cement block went almost all the way into the hole, lengthwise. The groundhog was not fazed. He threw the gravel out. One night I saw him standing by the larger hole. "Ha! I thought, you can't move a cement block, can you?" He stared at me with that insolent grin. I went for the shotgun. He was gone. When I checked the hole I found that he had dug under and around the cement block. The block was now completely below ground level and his burrow opening was along side the block. This wise-ass was really getting me pissed!

My ever helpful friend told me he had a quarter stick of dynamite. He suggested I put that in the burrow. I thought about it...for about ten seconds. "I'd have a crater in my yard."
"Yeah, but you'll get the groundhog."

I tried a few more of the "remedies" from my Internet searches. None of them worked and the groundhog seemed to get bolder and more insolent. Was it just my anger, or did I really hear the sound of a TV coming from the burrow late one night? The next day I found an empty "Netflix" envelope by the burrow.

By now, winter was here. Groundhogs hibernate. I waited until I was pretty sure he was in his burrow, hibernating. I mixed another concoction which claimed to produce poison gas. I plugged the hole by the ramp. I poured the concoction down the other hole and plugged that hole. "That will get him while he's sleeping," I thought.

I gave little thought to the groundhog through the winter. I hate winter and I spent most of the time with such things as shoveling snow. Then the talking heads started talking about "Groundhog Day." I decided, "If that groundhog is back this year I don't care about his shadow...but he's sure gonna see his maker."

I had a lot of work done on my house and didn't see the groundhog or think about him much. But, there he was in May as insolent as ever.

I wasn't going to repeat any of the remedies. If it didn't work the first time, why keep doing it? Back to the Internet. I found a site advertising "coyote scent." The site claimed groundhogs won't live where another animal lives. "Buy our coyote scent in 2-oz bottle for just $60 plus shipping and handling." No way would I pay $60 for coyote pee. Then a light bulb came on over my head! "I wonder....." My brain was spinning, concocting the plan. I have 4 cats. Three use the great outdoors as their "bathroom." The fourth is strange. She goes outside, then runs in and uses the litter box (These strange cats and how I got them is a story for another time). Bear, the litter box cat, was a bit upset. I didn't clean the litter box for a week. Then I dumped it down the groundhog burrow near the ramp. I waited a week and dumped it down the hole in the center of the yard. I repeated this process. It's been two weeks and I haven't seen the groundhog. Could it be? Did I find a practical use for cat poop? Time will tell.

I told my friend, Jim, about this possible remedy. He said, "If that doesn't work, why don't you go out to Broadway and catch a few rats? You can stuff them down the burrow entrances along with some rodent food. The groundhog won't live where rats live." I thought about it....for ten seconds. "I'm not going to do that. I'd have rats living in my yard."
"Yeah, but you'll get the groundhog out of there."

TV Ads

Have you seen the ad for ServPro? A guy calls his insurance agent, "Bill, the pipes broke. There's water everywhere." The animated action figures from ServPro are shown with their bright green van - a man and a woman. At the end of the commercial the man is in the van. The woman is also in there. She slides the side door shut. Am I the only one who wonders what they're doing in the back of the van?

Thought on Medicine

Where do they come from? the latest I've seen advertised on TV is "Low T." I never heard of it before I saw the ads. Naturally, one of the major companies has a drug to treat this "Low T" malady.

I wonder - is this how it works: A drug company does all sorts of R&D only to have a drug fail. It's worthless. They're going to be out a bundle. No, wait! They create a malady this failed drug can treat. Advertise it enough and people will start to think they have the malady.

Another success! XXYY Drug Company cured this new malady!

The Toaster

My friend just left. She said to me, "Bill, you're one of the most intriguing but strange men I've ever known. So, even though I'll probably regret it, I've got to ask: Why do you have a toaster in the cat litter box?"

Ahh, it's a long story. Back when the kitchen remod got finished, I bought a new toaster - an Oster all electronic and modernistic looking thing. My little black cat, Diablo, (being the strange cat he is) took an instant dislike for the toaster - actually a real hatred. Every chance he got he would jump up on the counter and "pee" on the toaster. I'd find it, clean up the puddle and take him to the litter box. Then I'd run the toaster thru the dishwasher, letting it dry for 3-4 days before using it. Slowly, the thermostat started getting screwed up until, finally, it had to be cranked all the way to get "light" toast. The LEDs started lighting randomly. This damn thing cost something like $50-60 !

I gave up on the Oster. I bought a new toaster without all the bells and whistles - a Sunbeam - for $19.95. It looks similar to the Oster and works well for toast. Diablo hasn't bothered it.

The litter box is used by Runty and Pedro only for "emergencies." Bear uses it after she comes in from outside (yeah, she's strange, too). Diablo used the Oster toaster. So, what would you do to get Diablo to use the litter box? I had just watched the movie where the former CIA guy taught his cat to use the toilet by making a litter box that fit the toilet. I thought, "Why don't I adapt that for Diablo?" I decided I'd put the Oster toaster in the litter box.

It hasn't worked. Bear is po'ed and Diablo looks at the thing with total disdain. I *think* that the Oster toaster must have emitted a sound that Diablo didn't like?. Naturally, it's not plugged in now that it's in the litter box. Hmm, maybe I'll run a cord to it.....

Speaking of TV

When I was a kid, there was a TV show called, "The Millionaire." John Beresford Tipton, gave away a cashier's check for one million dollars each week. His executive secretary, a mild-mannered, good-humoured, but no-nonsense man named Michael Anthony would deliver the check to its intended recipient, staying only long enough to present the gift and then, customarily, leaving the recipient's life forever.

Well, they said the name fast and I heard it as "John Bear's Phitiptin." I thought the millionaire was John Bear and that Michael Anthony was his Phitiptin. I always wondered what exactly a "phitiptin" was.

About the same time there was some deal about euthanasia on the news for a while. I never quite understood it. I mean, why was everyone so upset about kids in China? Yeah, I thought they were talking about youth in Asia.

I was a dumb kid....